Excerpt of the Creep


aka: the flasher, the groper, the peeping Tom, the pervert; the sexual harasser

Packed into a subway train, you read the words for a Viagra ad a few feet away repeatedly, because you are jammed so tight in a rail car that if you turn left or right, you would be forced to share an intimate moment with a stranger’s nose. That would feel awkward for both of you. It’s at that moment you sense fingers slide across your butt cheek, creeping towards your precious privates. You try to turn around but can’t, because you’re surrounded by unfamiliar faces avoiding your gaze, all bunched together like asparagus wrapped in plastic. Then the car stops. People rush past you to escape that claustrophobic tin can and your groper is gone. You suspect it’s that odd little man with the hideous plaid suit who glanced back at you with a self-satisfied grin as the door closed behind him.

The creep can mean many things to many people and is widely applicable to many unpleasant personality types, but is defined here as a person who gives others the willies by acting sexual in a situation that is absolutely not sexual, trying to impose a sexual favor from someone who does not desire or want the same, and/or doing clandestine sexual activities involving an unsuspecting person who would probably want to throw a big chunk of dry ice down the creep’s pants if they knew what was going on.

Examples of creepiness include: a perv having a looky loo at an unsuspecting person undressing in their bedroom (a Peeping Tom/Tina); a person sexualizing or making innuendoes with objects at work (a loser); a groom or bride making unsolicited passes at various guests (a bonehead).

For most people, rejection is a humiliating experience, enough to crush an ego into a tiny pinhole. A non-creep would desist in the face of rejection, but a creep keeps on going, as enthusiastic as the little Energizer bunny. Persistence when told “no” causes one to earn that unkind label.

Men are sometimes unfairly called creeps when they are perceived as disgusting or sexually repulsive for attempting to score with someone out of their league. In those cases, creeps can be the subject of much derision and ridicule merely for trying to get laid.

There are female creeps, but most often, people think of men when they think of the word. However, the creep label shouldn’t really apply unless the person persists in displaying unwanted sexual behavior.

The label of creep can also be used when two or more people have a particular power dynamic; a powerful person (creep) is sexually aroused and able to impose their will on an underling (screwed) who wants to barf at the thought of “doing” their overlord.

The word “creep” has been used interchangeably with the word “pervert.” Pervert is a popular word among teenagers who describe or associate innocent activities as perverted, peppering their sentences with the P word for things like eating bananas and adjusting underwear; many teenage brains are addled by hormones, making them see the world through a sexualized lens.

This would make teenagers natural perverts in theory but not so in practice. Many do not assert these tendencies, because they are so self-conscious and worried about what their peers think that the fear of looking uncool trumps any creepy tendencies.

It should also be noted that the creep is distinct from the sleazebag in that the latter will sleep with any consenting adult, including one in a gummi bear costume.


Creeps may seem as if they were inherently pathetic, but the cause of creepy behavior is one that will astound—creeps have gotten that way due to spells by perturbed witches.

Witches of old and new are experts at spell casting and can be quite dangerous once pissed off.

In fairy tales, witches are seen as nasty old women with huge warts, but that is pure fiction. In reality, witches are average looking women and, on occasion, feminized males. Witches can also be attractive or ugly—no different than the general population.

Witches have the same type of emotions any normal person has with the exception of knowing how to do hocus pocus. They cannot change a person into a toad, but they can make anyone unappealing by throwing an aura of douchiness around them.

In the creep’s case, an asshole has somehow crossed a witch by acting their rotten, jerky self. (Assholes often get away with their bad behavior unless their victim is a cop, a violent basket case, or an experienced witch.) When they piss off a witch, they’ve pissed off the wrong person.

The witch casts a spell under her breath as the asshole walks away. Later, she will strengthen the spell with a concoction of roots, plants, and more incantations while fixing an image of the offender in her mind. In a matter of days, the asshole graduates into the creep, finding romantic rejection wherever he, and in some cases she, goes.

Assholes are capable of having friendships and even popularity, but creeps don’t as much. In fact, they are seen as wretched losers to be avoided.

If the asshole is a man and they turn into a creep, getting laid will be nearly impossible. If the asshole turned creep is female, getting laid won’t be much of an issue, but the quality of the partner will suffer. When once upon a time she could land a real stud muffin rich dude, after turning creep, she might only attract horny pitbulls instead.

The morale of the story is not to be an asshole in general, so you won’t be turned into a creep if you encounter a witch.


If you meet a creep and don’t wish to be bothered by them, you must shout out that a creep is in the house and is feeling up people at random.

The creep counts on you to keep quiet, expecting your silent acceptance of their roaming hands, but humiliation…